Facing My Insecurities

When most girls turn thirteen, they get boobs. I, however, received a different blessing from the Puberty Fairy. I did not get bumps on my chest, but rather bumps on my face. Large, red, clustering bumps. My friends were buying bras, and I was buying Proactive.

Six years later, and break outs are still a daily struggle of mine. Unlike my middle school boyfriends, the acne stuck around. My hobbies have changed, my beliefs and ideas have changed, and my taste in clothes (thank goodness) has changed; but my skin is still my largest insecurity.

I would be lying if I said that I had never edited pimples out of my Instagram selfies. I would be lying if I said that there have never been days I would have rather buried my face in a pillow than let other people see it. I would be lying if I said that I do not get mad at my friends for complaining about one pimple, when I wake up every day with at least four. I would be lying if I said I had never strategically placed Snapchat stickers to cover up my zits.

In high school, I dreaded sleepovers because I did not want anyone to see my face without makeup, and I spent the hours before prom and graduation googling “how to get rid of pimples quick.” It became an exhausting, consuming insecurity that was both physically and mentally painful. My biggest fear has never been heights or spiders or being by myself on an elevator when it got stuck. My biggest fear has always been people describing me as, “You know…the girl with all the acne.”

I tried everything to cure it; toothpaste, Neutrogena, charcoal masks, and all the home remedies that Pinterest can provide. Eventually, I found a treatment I had yet to try: a dairy free diet. The chemicals in milks and cheeses had recently been linked to oily skin and breakouts, so it made sense to cut all these products from my own diet.

Cold turkey, I did just that. I went two straight months without a bite of cheese, a sip of milk, or a taste of butter (it sucked as much as it sounds). And my skin rewarded me. It was the clearest my face had ever been in 6 whole years. I was so proud of myself, and I thought I had finally overcome the mountain in my life that was acne.

But then, my skin had a relapse; it started to break out again. I was still fully committed to my dairy free diet, but the pimples returned mercilessly. I was hovered over my dorm room sink, crying and eating as much chocolate as I could to make up for the past two months, when my roommate walked in and asked what was wrong.

“My acne is back!” I wailed.

“Oh, it is? I hadn’t noticed,” she replied with a shrug.

I blinked. When she told me she hadn’t realized that my skin was broken out again, it made me realize something: the two months that my skin was not broken out, no one had treated me differently. I did not have more friends or better grades or funnier jokes because of my clear skin. Nothing except my reflection had significantly improved.

When acne first became my reality at just thirteen years old, I hated it because it made me feel like I wasn’t pretty. I hated it because I didn’t want to be made fun of.

When I now wake up with a new pimple, it is no longer about “not feeling pretty” or worrying about being made fun of. It is now about knowing that, with or without acne, I’m going to ace an economics exam, or kill a job interview, or have friends and family that love me. It is about looking at the least favorite part of myself and telling it, “You do not define me.”

Acne, for a large portion of my life, has made me feel isolated and embarrassed. I have always hoped people would just notice me, instead of noticing my face. Waking up with pimples, redness, and bumps never gets easier, and I think I will always wonder what I would look like if my skin was clear. But that’s all I’ll have to wonder, because I know that my life lacks nothing just because of a zit (or two, or three).

DISCLAIMER:

I still maintain a dairy free diet and I do feel that it is the best thing I have ever done for my skin. I continue to breakout occasionally, but not nearly as often or as badly as I did in the past. I would highly recommend this to anyone who experiences pimples and chronic acne that normal washes and treatments do not cure. Your diet in general is a large factor in the health of your skin, so eat lots of fruits and vegetables, try your hardest to avoid fast food, and drink tons of water!