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Living with Dermatillomania

My struggle with my skin.

By Dakota ShadowPublished 5 years ago 4 min read
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In sixth grade, I started to develop acne. Luckily in school, I was never bullied for the stray white head, but at home, my mother relentlessly picked on me for my physical, and mental, imperfections. And that bullying from my mother became the insecurities I have today, the gap between my teeth, my intelligence, and, most of all, my skin.

I have a lot of friends who hate their bodies, and I can relate to that, but not in the same way. I hate my skin. And I don't mean it in the growing sense of "Oh I hate living in my skin ooh ah, blah blah blah," I genuinely hate my skin. I always feel like I am trying to scratch myself from the inside out because I am so uncomfortable living it: the texture, the dark spots, the hyper-active pores, but, most of all, the acne. I hate my acne.

I hate my acne so much so, that I have developed a condition, that also arises from my anxiety, called dermatillomania. Dermatillomania is a chronic skin picking disorder which can range from excess scratching, picking scabs, or in my case picking at my acne. And when I say picking at my acne, I don't mean popping a pimple once and a while, I mean sitting down for several hours at a time, sometimes a couple of times a day, and I will press, pull, and tug on my skin until I am entirely unable to remove any more puss from my pores. It's horrible.

I first started to realize I was doing this at the beginning of 7th grade. My anxiety has always been horrible, and I began to use picking at my skin as a way to release stress. But now I can't stop. I've tried many times, but the only thing that has made me significantly reduce the picking is removing/covering all the mirrors in my house; and with the house I currently live in, it's unrealistic to keep them covered all the time.

The effect of picking at my skin ranges from physical to emotional. The physical aspects are under the surface welts, scabbing, red spots, dark spots, larger pores, recurring pimples, and scars. All of this would probably be a deterrent for most people, but in my case, the extra acne makes it easier to fall back into the same pattern. As for the emotional effects, I'm embarrassed to go in public sometimes, having friends over after I picked for several hours, and constantly questioning myself about my appearance because of how red and puffy my face gets. It's exhausting every time I go into a bathroom or see myself in a mirror in public and notice a pimple or a blackhead forming. I have to force myself not to pick it because I know my skin will get super red and it will start the cycle, and I'll be at it for hours.

It was hard for a long time not being able to confide in my friends about it. I was so embarrassed for so long that I just kept this secret in a little box and only let it out when I sat down in front of a mirror; but eventually, something shifted, and I worked up the courage to tell somebody about it. I am so thankful that my friends are understanding and accepted the fact that I had this condition that was slowly taking over my life. It was always on my mind when I would be able to pop the next pimple, and finally, I had another outlet to let somebody know how badly this was affecting my life.

This still affects me today. It's gotten a lot better as years have passed, but I still struggle with completely stopping. I'm nowhere near as insecure about my acne as I once was, and have learned to accept the imperfections with my skin; but some days, I fall back into the pattern. I've found treatments that have made me more confident about my skin and other outlets to help manage my anxiety. So while I still suffer from this condition, I have been able to live with it and am still learning ways to treat my skin better.

skincare
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About the Creator

Dakota Shadow

Dakota Shadow was a pen name given to me by my adopted mother just so you know. I am somebody who struggles with mental illness and is learning her way through relationships and the lessons of living.

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